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The Chronicles of a Potential Terrorist (part 1)

October 25, 2013

images (4)   Any resemblance of events or persons in this article to the real life is purely coincidential.

Name: Azmat Khan

Birth Religion: Islam

Age: 27

Marital Status: Divorced (2 children)

A Drone victim. The wife finally agreed to hand over the custody of children, killed in a drone attack two weeks after the gain of custody, he was out in his general store (a shopkeeper) when he got the news.

Day 75 (after the incident)

25 other houses have been hit by the drones till now, and my beloved friend Kamal Khan has passed away in the latest. They said that all of his body has not yet been discovered. When are these attacks going to stop. How many times will I tell them that money is not going to replace Amir and Asma, the light of my eyes which these savages snatched from me. How many times will I have to tell them that there are no terrorist activities going on in this area, we are a part of Pakistan as well, why are we being neglected, why is there no governmental shoulder present for us to cry on. I don’t know why I come to my shop every day, why am I earning money, what is my reason to live? But I guess this is what Islam preaches and teaches us, Life moves on, we have to be patient. But all I ask is why, why us? How many more of us? How many friends, brothers, daughters, sons, parents will it take? Is it ever going to stop? I have not seen or sensed a single argumentative or strange activity here in the past 27 years of my life, then why are they even saying this? Are we not a part of Pakistan? I have been going to a therapy sort of session for the past week though. I started writing the diary after that, and I can’t lie, its helping. It isn’t basically a therapy, just some of us, aggrieved by the attacks, sit in a circle, talk about our life after the incident. I know all of them except the one who started the program, Keith, he isn’t a Muslim, and doesn’t talk much too. Just asks us all turn by turn to share and keeps to himself the rest of the time. He shares his thoughts and events at his turn, does’nt mention the incident he weeps of. No one does, and no one presses any one to discuss that matter, no one’s curious, because none of us wants to keep that in our memory. I haven’t been praying for a long time now. I hope that changes, I want to know how being pious feels, I want to know the force that compels us to prostrate before Allah 5 times a day, I want to experience the feeling they call ‘Inner Peace’.

Day 76

I talked of the sales and the purchase of my goods at the therapy session today, and explained how the business runs. every one applauded, how dead I felt inside, asking myself why are you being applauded at, you don’t live in this world any more, you don’t know anything about the profits of your sales for the past 2 and a half months now, but I managed a dead smile, every one replied with a smile too, except Keith, he gave me a brief stare and then went back to looking at the roof and applauding apathetically. I saw on the news today that our Prime Minister has finally passed a statement condemning the drone attacks. I wonder if that will make any difference, because no one actually has ever visited this place, no politicians, no leaders just some NGOs providing us a little food and taking a lot of pictures and videos. I still don’t get why they give us the food, we aren’t starving, at least not for food. Keith as I found out at the beginning of therapy, was living in the area for quite a long time, and he is the one who started the whole program so I guess the guy has been a victim of the attack for a very long time because I simply can never think of doing such thing, not even after a whole year. I saw Kamal Khan’s little daughter today, she and her mother were sitting beside the grave of my late friend when I went to my children’s graves. They were reciting ‘Surah Yaseen’, form the Quran. They looked so much at peace, their faces were patient and they had stopped crying. I have however not stopped crying. Every night, every morning, the only time I’m not crying from my eyes is when I am writing or when I’m at therapy. At that time, only my heart’s crying. Allah help me, for I can’t see what am I going to do, I have no faith in life.

Day 77

The therapy session was good today, I went a bit late, the only seat empty was next to Keith’s so I sat with him today. We ended up talking after the therapy session. He’s a pretty honest and straight forward person. I didn’t ask, he just spoke it all out when he saw me with no wedding ring on my finger. He thought I didn’t marry so he said “Good job there, you choose wisely not to marry” pointing to my finger. Upon my informing him that I got married and divorced, he told me his story, and for the first time after almost 3 months, I felt bad for anyone other than me. His father came to Pakistan a a long time ago, and had some problems with immigration and couldn’t go back. He had a wife, he was married for 6 years, living in the nearby village, he found out that she had been cheating at him with a friend of his for the past 4 four years. He had no children, but he loved his wife sincerely. So even after finding that out, he closed his eyes of everything and for 4 years he had been living with his immoral yet beloved wife until the drone attack killed her in front of his eyes. But the saddest bit of his story was that his wife, dying in his arms, called out the name of her other lover, the friend of Keith. And after the whole incident, he did not know either to feel grieved or angry. He has moved several times to different villages to get away from things, but all in vain. When he moved here he thought this was the place where there were more people like him, more of the drone victims. And after a lot of thinking and consultation with others had started the therapy. The tears that dripped from his cheeks when he was telling me the story still had the image of his wife in them, even after finding out the differences in strength of their love. how can a person be so strong yet entirely weak. Why am I going to a therapy? Its for people who want to live. Do I want to live? Do I want to find a meaning in life? Is there any hope in my heart? I asked Kamal Khan’s brother to come to therapy, he replied, “I find the best therapy in prayer”. How I envied him.

To be Continued…

( part 2 : )


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